On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
This house was built for laser tag.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
