Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
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