He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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