I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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