Your mouth is God's brothel.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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