who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
