My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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