Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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