I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
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