Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
im six kinds of drunk right now
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
