FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
