he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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