I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
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