how can u be prego again
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Randomize
