a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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