he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
