I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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