god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
