the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I have tasted many bathrooms
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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