apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize