I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
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