I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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