Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
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