If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Randomize
