I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
