but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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