my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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