Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
