Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
