I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I am in a vortex of obligation.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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