eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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