when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
