i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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