I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
