Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
