i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
