Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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