He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
