someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
