the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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