Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
