I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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