If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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