# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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