He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Randomize
