and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
