by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
