i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Randomize
