My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
