my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize
