Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
