Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
