if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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