The maid of honor just puked.
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
