Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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