OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Randomize
