are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
