Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
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