You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Randomize
