I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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