david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Randomize
